Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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