By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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