We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
