The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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