the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize