Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
