it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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