I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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