Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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