the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
