Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
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woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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