Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
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It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
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We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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