I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
