all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
