When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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