The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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