This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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