you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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