considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
