Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
