boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
