Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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