Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
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I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
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I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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