go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
