so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
