You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
