there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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