It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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