totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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