My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
