Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
