there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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