So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just threw up on my dentist
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
