So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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