I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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