Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
