When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
