She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
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So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
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When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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