I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
two words: eviction party
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How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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