I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
