Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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