You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
