My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
