We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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