his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
