M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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