my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
