I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
