so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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