I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
