she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
