Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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