I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize