this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
