I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
