What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
