Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
