What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
