Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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